Friday, 5 November 2010

Little thoughts.

I'm currently sitting in the library, boots off, legs crossed, comfortable as anything, whilst a boy a year or two younger sits next to me, giving me sly curious looks.  I don't think he approves of my slumped, lazy effort at work...  I don't know about anyone else, but when I see someone who doesn't like me, I instantly want to prove them wrong, and get them to not only like me, but to adore me.  Twisted isn't it?

In relationships in the past, it normally only ever took about three weeks before my interest wore off.  It would progress into a dislike and then a vehement hatred.  Inexplicably.  The smallest things would put me off; a phrase that made me cringe - the kind of cringe that starts out with a warm, uncomfortable feeling that spreads through the body, heating up the cheeks making one feel slightly car sick.  That cringe.  It could be that a noise they repeatedly made finally pushed the "see-ya" button, or the way they eat.  It could be a text that was spelt horrifically incorrectly, or something I didn't like was said.  Generally, it could be anything and once that thought was in my mind, that was it.  I can't stand to be touched, converse or even share the same breathing space.  Sometimes it wears off, other times it's so intense that is it forever.

One ex boyfriend once asked me to lick his bum in the middle of some so-called fun.  It wasn't great any way, and so we stopped as I had "had a sudden 'visitor'"  We broke up a few days later.  

Saying that, once the break up has happened, I get this urge to then make them feel utterly shit.  I am not content with walking away, I have to leave a trail of broken hearted destruction, and I have no idea why. I'm not crazy by any means (don't let this make you believe otherwise!)  I don't want to hurt any one, but I sometimes feel so disgusted with myself for being with that person, it's like I want to make them hurt for allowing me to be like that.

I never have the balls to quite do that though.  Normally, I get the rejected coming back, declaring undying love, a marriage proposal and the promise they'll change.  I don't want change, I want perfection.

I feel evil writing this.  The boy next to me has a friend now.  I've been studiously ignored.  I might ask what work they're doing, flash a smile and start a conversation.  If only I knew Chinese.....

I am not evil.

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