This however brought to my attention the fact that although I am in my "early" twenties (and shall remain so until I am approaching thirty and shall then refer to myself as being in my "mid" twenties. Clever, hey?) I am in fact a mother, and therefore should be emanating responsibility as if it were sweat and I had done a fifty mile sprint. Not that that would EVER happen, but the point of the matter is, I am at a loss as to whether it is deemed wrong and slightly seedy that I am still puking up in public places because I can't see I am too drunk to function.
From this depressing thought, I then started to think about the "bigger picture", i.e, life after university. The real world. Terrifying. It's not that I don't think I won't be able to cope actually having responsibility and a serious salary relying on my ability to work. It's not even the prospect of being a real grown up with a degree, with a real job, working with fellow grown ups and being that step closer to adulthood. I know I can handle all of this, and still want more. It's what the Hell am I going to do with a then five year old child whilst I am breaking men's balls..
I mean, how do other people manage to have it all? Do I want it all? Who am I really benefiting by studying? Me? Her? Do I want to be a high-flying, career driven, successful and important business woman, with the world in the palm of my hands, bending the iron will of people who should know better, or do I want the whole family she-bang? Marriage, mortgage, more children and a dog?
I honestly don't know. Sometimes I wonder how it would have all turned out had I not had a baby when I did and had waited, but then I reason, she would not be the person she is now, and I would not be the person I am. Other times I wonder had I not gone to college and university, what I would be like. Probably less assertive and definitely frustrated with the idea. The idea that there's more out there. Is the grass greener? Would I be happier settled down with a house full of children and a husband who works every hour to provide? Does that make me weak?
I want to be the perfect mother. Sometimes I even consider life with babies. Mostly I dream of world domination and being able to provide for the munchkin I already have and bury the idea of having more. I mean, that isn't even an option; I do want to finish my degree - show everyone who ever doubted me that not only can I do a brilliant job of raising a child, I did it whilst being a so-called teenage mother, I got three distinctions in a Performing Arts diploma and am on target for a First degree in Business and PR.
I want it all, and apparently, these days that's impossible. You have to sacrifice something - your children or your career. I want both. Badly.
I mean, how do other people manage to have it all? Do I want it all? Who am I really benefiting by studying? Me? Her? Do I want to be a high-flying, career driven, successful and important business woman, with the world in the palm of my hands, bending the iron will of people who should know better, or do I want the whole family she-bang? Marriage, mortgage, more children and a dog?
I honestly don't know. Sometimes I wonder how it would have all turned out had I not had a baby when I did and had waited, but then I reason, she would not be the person she is now, and I would not be the person I am. Other times I wonder had I not gone to college and university, what I would be like. Probably less assertive and definitely frustrated with the idea. The idea that there's more out there. Is the grass greener? Would I be happier settled down with a house full of children and a husband who works every hour to provide? Does that make me weak?
I want to be the perfect mother. Sometimes I even consider life with babies. Mostly I dream of world domination and being able to provide for the munchkin I already have and bury the idea of having more. I mean, that isn't even an option; I do want to finish my degree - show everyone who ever doubted me that not only can I do a brilliant job of raising a child, I did it whilst being a so-called teenage mother, I got three distinctions in a Performing Arts diploma and am on target for a First degree in Business and PR.
I want it all, and apparently, these days that's impossible. You have to sacrifice something - your children or your career. I want both. Badly.
Stay in academia or become a writer/journo, then you'll never have to live in the real world but you still have a job.
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