Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Can I have it all?

I've had a strange weekend.  It started off with a university Society night out on Friday.  I made it into the toilets of the first club and then was taken home due to the fact I was "taken with drink".  On the way I decorated a bus-stop and probably all my friends' shoes.  I have lovely, caring, understanding friends who took hardly any pictures and have been more concerned than merciless at my horrific intoxicated state...  Anyway.  Moving on from that disaster with only one last comment on the subject; the fault lies with cheap nasty vodka.  Not my inability to hold down any drink.  Honestly....

This however brought to my attention the fact that although I am in my "early" twenties (and shall remain so until I am approaching thirty and shall then refer to myself as being in my "mid" twenties.  Clever, hey?) I am in fact a mother, and therefore should be emanating responsibility as if it were sweat and I had done a fifty mile sprint.  Not that that would EVER happen, but the point of the matter is, I am at a loss as to whether it is deemed wrong and slightly seedy that I am still puking up in public places because I can't see I am too drunk to function.  

From this depressing thought, I then started to think about the "bigger picture", i.e, life after university.  The real world.  Terrifying.  It's not that I don't think I won't be able to cope actually having responsibility and a serious salary relying on my ability to work.  It's not even the prospect of being a real grown up with a degree, with a real job, working with fellow grown ups and being that step closer to adulthood.  I know I can handle all of this, and still want more.  It's what the Hell am I going to do with a then five year old child whilst I am breaking men's balls..

I mean, how do other people manage to have it all?  Do I want it all?  Who am I really benefiting by studying?  Me?  Her?  Do I want to be a high-flying, career driven, successful and important business woman, with the world in the palm of my hands, bending the iron will of people who should know better, or do I want the whole family she-bang?  Marriage, mortgage, more children and a dog?

I honestly don't know.  Sometimes I wonder how it would have all turned out had I not had a baby when I did and had waited, but then I reason, she would not be the person she is now, and I would not be the person I am.  Other times I wonder had I not gone to college and university, what I would be like. Probably less assertive and definitely frustrated with the idea.  The idea that there's more out there.  Is the grass greener?  Would I be happier settled down with a house full of children and a husband who works every hour to provide?  Does that make me weak?

I want to be the perfect mother.  Sometimes I even consider life with babies.  Mostly I dream of world domination and being able to provide for the munchkin I already have and bury the idea of having more. I mean, that isn't even an option; I do want to finish my degree - show everyone who ever doubted me that not only can I do a brilliant job of raising a child, I did it whilst being a so-called teenage mother, I got three distinctions in a Performing Arts diploma and am on target for a First degree in Business and PR.

I want it all, and apparently, these days that's impossible.  You have to sacrifice something - your children or your career.  I want both.  Badly.  

1 comment:

  1. Stay in academia or become a writer/journo, then you'll never have to live in the real world but you still have a job.