Smiles all 'round

Whatever I dreamt about this morning meant I woke up at 0720 smiling.  It was a brilliant start to the day.

Losing the plot

All I seem to do is get annoyed at silly people and silly things at the moment.  No, it's not hormones and no, I'm not overly tired or anything that might explain my increasing irritation towards the human race.  I have come to the conclusion that I'm just reaching the end of my tolerance for idiots.

I am fed up of getting stressed out over small things, like people being utterly fake and devious.  Manipulation is a loner's game;  if you were as popular as you think, there would be no need to entice friends through subtle little power plays.  Money does not buy happiness.  It might buy you a couple of friends who are desperate, but believe me, they probably dislike you as much as you dislike yourself.

I am seriously getting pissed at ignorance and the inability to see the bigger picture.  Of being blaming others for their own failures in life.  You know what?  I'd respect you more if you admitted you had made a mistake rather than use excuse after excuse to explain away idiocy.

I am annoyed at lazy people who cannot organise their lives enough to be able to do their own stuff, and instead, sit back and watch, refusing to interact whilst everyone else runs 'round like a headless chicken doing everything.

Most of all, I am wound up the most by people who sit on the fence and have no opinion whatsoever.  Surely it is as bad to do nothing than to do the worst thing?  Didn't Edmund Burke once say, "All that is necessary for evil to triumph, is that good men do nothing"?

Other than this, it is Friday, I am in my favourite green jeans (Topshop's best buy.  Ever)  I've had hot chocolate and I have just seen someone who makes me look good, even in the mornings.  If the fence is wedged up your arse, get off it and develop an opinion.  For my sanity's sake.  Please.

Can I have it all?

I've had a strange weekend.  It started off with a university Society night out on Friday.  I made it into the toilets of the first club and then was taken home due to the fact I was "taken with drink".  On the way I decorated a bus-stop and probably all my friends' shoes.  I have lovely, caring, understanding friends who took hardly any pictures and have been more concerned than merciless at my horrific intoxicated state...  Anyway.  Moving on from that disaster with only one last comment on the subject; the fault lies with cheap nasty vodka.  Not my inability to hold down any drink.  Honestly....

This however brought to my attention the fact that although I am in my "early" twenties (and shall remain so until I am approaching thirty and shall then refer to myself as being in my "mid" twenties.  Clever, hey?) I am in fact a mother, and therefore should be emanating responsibility as if it were sweat and I had done a fifty mile sprint.  Not that that would EVER happen, but the point of the matter is, I am at a loss as to whether it is deemed wrong and slightly seedy that I am still puking up in public places because I can't see I am too drunk to function.  

From this depressing thought, I then started to think about the "bigger picture", i.e, life after university.  The real world.  Terrifying.  It's not that I don't think I won't be able to cope actually having responsibility and a serious salary relying on my ability to work.  It's not even the prospect of being a real grown up with a degree, with a real job, working with fellow grown ups and being that step closer to adulthood.  I know I can handle all of this, and still want more.  It's what the Hell am I going to do with a then five year old child whilst I am breaking men's balls..

I mean, how do other people manage to have it all?  Do I want it all?  Who am I really benefiting by studying?  Me?  Her?  Do I want to be a high-flying, career driven, successful and important business woman, with the world in the palm of my hands, bending the iron will of people who should know better, or do I want the whole family she-bang?  Marriage, mortgage, more children and a dog?

I honestly don't know.  Sometimes I wonder how it would have all turned out had I not had a baby when I did and had waited, but then I reason, she would not be the person she is now, and I would not be the person I am.  Other times I wonder had I not gone to college and university, what I would be like. Probably less assertive and definitely frustrated with the idea.  The idea that there's more out there.  Is the grass greener?  Would I be happier settled down with a house full of children and a husband who works every hour to provide?  Does that make me weak?

I want to be the perfect mother.  Sometimes I even consider life with babies.  Mostly I dream of world domination and being able to provide for the munchkin I already have and bury the idea of having more. I mean, that isn't even an option; I do want to finish my degree - show everyone who ever doubted me that not only can I do a brilliant job of raising a child, I did it whilst being a so-called teenage mother, I got three distinctions in a Performing Arts diploma and am on target for a First degree in Business and PR.

I want it all, and apparently, these days that's impossible.  You have to sacrifice something - your children or your career.  I want both.  Badly.  

Little thoughts.

I'm currently sitting in the library, boots off, legs crossed, comfortable as anything, whilst a boy a year or two younger sits next to me, giving me sly curious looks.  I don't think he approves of my slumped, lazy effort at work...  I don't know about anyone else, but when I see someone who doesn't like me, I instantly want to prove them wrong, and get them to not only like me, but to adore me.  Twisted isn't it?

In relationships in the past, it normally only ever took about three weeks before my interest wore off.  It would progress into a dislike and then a vehement hatred.  Inexplicably.  The smallest things would put me off; a phrase that made me cringe - the kind of cringe that starts out with a warm, uncomfortable feeling that spreads through the body, heating up the cheeks making one feel slightly car sick.  That cringe.  It could be that a noise they repeatedly made finally pushed the "see-ya" button, or the way they eat.  It could be a text that was spelt horrifically incorrectly, or something I didn't like was said.  Generally, it could be anything and once that thought was in my mind, that was it.  I can't stand to be touched, converse or even share the same breathing space.  Sometimes it wears off, other times it's so intense that is it forever.

One ex boyfriend once asked me to lick his bum in the middle of some so-called fun.  It wasn't great any way, and so we stopped as I had "had a sudden 'visitor'"  We broke up a few days later.  

Saying that, once the break up has happened, I get this urge to then make them feel utterly shit.  I am not content with walking away, I have to leave a trail of broken hearted destruction, and I have no idea why. I'm not crazy by any means (don't let this make you believe otherwise!)  I don't want to hurt any one, but I sometimes feel so disgusted with myself for being with that person, it's like I want to make them hurt for allowing me to be like that.

I never have the balls to quite do that though.  Normally, I get the rejected coming back, declaring undying love, a marriage proposal and the promise they'll change.  I don't want change, I want perfection.

I feel evil writing this.  The boy next to me has a friend now.  I've been studiously ignored.  I might ask what work they're doing, flash a smile and start a conversation.  If only I knew Chinese.....

I am not evil.